tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
