Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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