I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Plan B is the new Plan A
i just had sex bonerless
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
