There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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