Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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