Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
