apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I need to stop coming to work sober
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
