dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
