I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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