I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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