just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
