that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
