OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
