why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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