woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
