I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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