im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
