look no pants
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Drake has all the answers
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
