This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
sex in a hospital.. check
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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