He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
