My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
