yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
