The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
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