If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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