oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
