You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
