Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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