It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
