those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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