My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Randomize
