Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
