I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
