i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
