The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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