I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
