I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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