I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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