WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
