I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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