Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
