oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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