Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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