You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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