i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
