Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
