ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
