Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
