I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
