I will die if light touches me.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
