Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Randomize
